Sunday, July 12, 2009


Let me just say that I miss this place! I hate that I haven't posted in so long! I do have a good reason though. I was sick! I think it was the preschoolers that gave it to me because a few days after they left my throat started hurting. Something in me believes that those who do not spend a lot of time with children are more susceptible to the little bugs they carry around. Who knows if I'm actually right on this.

Anyway, the throat started getting scratchy Tuesday evening and I kept clearing my throat hoping it was nothing. Growing up I would get really bad cases of strep throat every winter without fail. It actually caused me to be allergic to penicillin. Thankfully I don't get it anymore but I have scars. My tonsils remain swollen and pock marked. My voice sounds like I swallowed a golf ball because I actually have two gold balls in my throat. I want them out because I don't think they do any good anymore but I've heard that the surgery is so painful as an adult and really, I'm a freaking wuss. When I bit through my tongue it was the worst pain ever, especially the MONTH afterward where I couldn't eat ANYTHING really. No thanks to mouth pain.

I woke up Wednesday morning with tonsils on fire. I could barely swallow without wincing, a side effect that brings flashbacks of my strep throat days right to the forefront. I hoped to God it wasn't strep. I checked in the mirror for telltale signs but didn't find any. My muscles started to ache pretty bad so I closed up shop and fell right into bed.

Thursday morning I was awakened by snot (mmmm) trying to choke me. I hate that urgent slap in the face that warns you of some imminent danger, like not being able to breathe. From then on I had congestion on top of a sore throat. This caused me to lose my voice. The Lover was probably grateful (haha) but it was difficult to communicate anything! I just couldn't go on with my day. I had some appointments that needed to be canceled because no one could understand me. Really whispering was louder than the scratchy words I tried to spit out in between coughs and throat clearings.

I just didn't realize how important speech is to regular communication until it was taken away. I found myself getting frustrated because the only thing holding me back from doing everyday things was the fact that I couldn't get myself heard. We went to a restaraunt and without thinking I went up to the Wait List lady to give our information. I had to repeat my name ten times before she understood me. I was embarassed by my soft ragged voice and the fact that I couldn't just TALK. I gave up on holding normal conversations with The Lover and resorted to short answers which really weren't good enough. Apparently, I talk a lot.

This went on for a few days and I was getting sick of it. I just wanted my voice back. I wanted to be understood the way I was used to. I wanted to vocalize my existence. Last night as I lay in bed I worried about the upcoming week. My voice hadn't returned and I feared that maybe it wouldn't. I have a lot scheduled next week that requires a voice and I didn't want to cancel. These are make or break sort of things happening. I sat there wondering why I had even lost my voice to begin with. I've had congestion and sore throat before but I don't ever remember losing my voice, ever. Then I wondered if I was being taught a lesson. Maybe lately I've been a little too free with my speech to the point of being rather crass. Harsh even. Maybe I lost it to return to the inner monologue and realize the patterns I've been displaying lately. It was an epiphany sort of. Now I have in sight some things I want to change. Some not so nice things I've let slip through the cracks lately that can't be tolerated. If you have nothing nice to say....

I woke up this morning and my voice had returned.

No comments: