Playing Around

So I Did It

Blame lack of sleep, blame the hunger for prosperity, blame whatever but don't blame my accomplishment. haha If you can call it that. A certain someone mentioned a photo blog and I was like "No! ... well why not? Hmmmm Seems silly to me, ok, let's do this" and so it was born.

Here it is. Tell me what you think, here, err not there....potential clients and all. Unless you really like me and want to pretend I shot your wedding and were just gushing with so much pride in the pictures that you HAD to let the world know about me (or not it's whatever).

Keep in mind I don't sleep, like ever, anymore so any issues are sleep's fault not mine. Remember the don't blame accomplishments part? Yeah, thanks.

Sleep now maybe, the sun is up now so it's the perfect time to retreat to "the tomb". What's "the tomb" you ask? Well folks it is my own fabulously designed bedroom complete with one set blinds and another set curtains, double the protection. From the sun (in case you weren't following).

Maybe after a bowl of Lucky Charms. I swear those marshmallows are filled with crack, but the dried bits are straight poop. So I pick the marshmallows and leave the poop for the boyfriend. that's right folks I am grade-A selfless....something protecting dearest boyfriend from crack. But not my butt crack that's a whole 'nother story.

Ok so, wait, what was this post about again?

Writers Block

What do you write about when you don't know what to write about? Do you talk about the huge blank space that pops in your head when you try to come up with some world shattering philosophy to share? Do you mention that your life is a total bore right now so you shouldn't even bother writing about that since you're likely to put your audience to sleep? Or do you post pictures, just for the fun of it because hey that's a least a little interesting? Yeah, I'll go that route.

We went on a trip recently to the South Carolinian coast and I went picture crazy, here are a few of my favorites!






And on that note, does anyone make cool graphic designs for copyrights? My graphic skills are zilch.

Am I Crazy?

I love photography, a lot. In my ideal world I'd be doing it full time, making it a living. My sole source of income which can be incredibly hard. I don't know many photographers who do it as their main job, sounds sort of impossible. Am I crazy?

I'm moving to Bristol. Originally I was in the process of attending a community college in Knoxville for Photography but that was before we lost our jobs. Now I am looking again. There is a large part of me that wants to go back to school, to learn everything about photography that I can. The other part says I don't need that degree to make it, half of that voice is also the boyfriend (God bless him). Am I crazy?

Anyway, I found a school very close to where we will be living. It is a 4 yr private university which ultimately means expensive. I could get a B.A. in photography. Right at the start I need to purchase a film SLR, a lifetime tripod, and a computer that matches their requirements. On top of tuition! Ohmigod! However, it could possibly be incredible! Is it worth it? Am I crazy?

I feel crazy. :/ What do you think?

Murder-Suicide

The amount this is happening is just astonishing. I cannot imagine how someone can believe life is bad enough to end their immediate bloodline. How can you look into the eyes of your young child and kill them? How can you justify such an action? Really, are your problems so impossible that ending a young life, your own child's precious life, is the right answer?

I don't understand and may never know that unimaginable pain. If you know anyone who cannot see the light reach out. Don't let them face it alone. Maybe at the least send them this link.

Personally, nothing is worth ending your life and nothing is more selfish than taking others with you, especially innocent children.

A Decade Ago

I was a bright eyed toothy grinning gal with a lot on her plate. Naive on the outside but facing a twirling storm on the inside. Already seeing too much of the harsh world this little girl would make up for it in her goofiness, in her refusal to acknowledge pain. She would already be harvesting her knack for bouncing back, to roll with the punches and continue moving forward. Her brain was always ticking away at life's occurrences and daydreaming about a peaceful future.

I think her favorite band at the time was Savage Garden. Oh how she would put this cd into her boombox, lay on the floor, and daydream about lands far away and lives other than hers. Though to the outside world she seemed so vague and barely grasping on to reality she was too busy with her insides to pay attention.

Extroverted personality with introverted thoughts. When I think back at that time what I mainly remember is how busy my brain was just trying to come up with answers, trying to guess everyone's next step like in a chess game while everyone around me thought I wasn't so smart. I think I just let the clouds in the sky get into my head.

It wasn't that I didn't learn anything, that I failed my classes, or was generally what one would call stupid, it was just that I was spending so much time elsewhere. Trying to get away some how. And it wasn't until just recently that I figured it out after all this time of wondering why they thought I was negligent of my schoolwork, that my priorities were all in the dumps, and lacked responsibility it was really just the screen of a glassy eyed child making due with her surroundings.

If I had to repeat my childhood I wouldn't, you couldn't pay me enough. If you told me the 24 year old girl could give advice to that lost and wandering child I'd probably say a few things.

One would be to keep the adventure alive. To continue to hope that tomorrow will be better and maybe not spend so much time focused on that. I would tell her to speak her mind and not repeat automated answers she is so used to. I'd also let her know not to trust her ex-stepmother, she would use your words against you in the worst way and would ultimately get you into the worst trouble you've ever been in. Stay as far, far away from her as you can.

I'd commend her for her strength to keep pushing through and the beauty she continued to see in her little brown eyes. I'd tell her to nurture herself as much as she did her sister. I'd want her to focus in on her arts, to never ever let that dream go. Maybe she could take that photography elective in high school and get started down that road.

I'd tell her that, yes, a very resounding yes, life does get better and the bruises heal and the words fade. I would let her know that I love her very much for the spirit she is, for managing to giggle through all the things this little child had to go through, and for her little heart swelling with love and curiosity for the future.

Then I'd give her a great big hug.

It's Not Often

You find beauty in both the song and video. So very whimsical.

Anxiety

Definition; "

Anxiety is a physiological and psychological state characterized by cognitive, somatic, emotional, and behavioral components.^[1] These components combine to create an unpleasant feeling that is typically associated with uneasiness, fear, or worry.

Anxiety is a generalized mood state that occurs without an identifiable triggering stimulus. As such, it is distinguished from fear, which occurs in the presence of an external threat. Additionally, fear is related to the specific behaviors of escape and avoidance, whereas anxiety is the result of threats that are perceived to be uncontrollable or unavoidable.^[2]

Anxiety is a normal reaction to stress. It may help a person to deal with a difficult situation, for example at work or at school, by prompting one to cope with it. When anxiety becomes excessive, it may fall under the classification of an anxiety disorder.^[3]"

^{Seems like me and anxiety are best pals as of late. Every time I hear a bit of bad news my worries go through the roof and I feel like I have no control, over anything. I'm a little tired of it. Anxiety has not been nice to me and that is enough cause to end said relationship. Anxiety can pay me back by letting me get out of this rut, yes that would be nice indeed but I don't think anxiety is quite that generous.}

Sounds like we get to do some more waiting, oh the patience I have gained from this experience. All I'm saying is Wednesday better be good or I'm giving anxiety a deep talking to and possibly a swift kick in the gonads.

My Best Friend

My best friend in the whole world and we are like two peas in a pod. We currently live in different states but I'm hoping one day we will migrate to the coast within a few minutes of each other. We've been through the good, the bad, and the weird. Bad boyfriend, good boyfriends, hookups, and weird dates. We've laughed, we've cried but we've never fought. She's the type of friend that will have your back no matter what but won't hesitate to tell you you're being stupid. Her sense of fashion is colorful and her interior design skills make me jealous.

She likes numbers. A lot. The way to her heart is with jager bombs or Kahlua toasted almond. Or just bring her to the beach. When we were both living in the same city we would run to Cookout to talk about life's delimmas or to back up into someone's cars with our brand new one, or to get pulled over by a cop right before I move away from her.

Late nights downtown, getting abandoned by an evil ex, and finding our free ride home was an interesting experience I'm sure we will never forget. The Phantom of the Opera will always be a source for humor when we are bored instead of romance and devoted love. Yearly 4th of July trips will remind us of the time we tried to walk from North Myrtle to the club scene before we realized it was impossible.

She's a for lifer and my bestest. <3 I wish she were here right now to share in my newest adventure.

Author Unknown

"Change has a considerable psychological impact on the human mind. To the fearful it is threatening because it means that things may get worse. To the hopeful it is encouraging because things may get better. To the confident it is inspiring because the challenge exists to make things better."

Love, love, love it. I am used to change as it has been the only constant in my life. I think change should be embraced for what are we if not creatures evolved through adaption?

Our New Home

As long as everything goes as hoped. Too excited to keep it in any longer.

Do Want So Bad

Since I learned just a tiny bit about my camera I've been wanting the 50mm either 1.8 or 1.4 lens. There is a huge price difference between the two and of course it would be ideal to have the 1.4 but I'd easily settle for the 1.8. (Yeah, I know the image above shows a 1.2 also)

Want want want so hard! A girl can dream....

Fear of Success

I had this blog post all written out in my mind. How I would explain that I've always thought I was an independent woman, how my strong values and stubbornness led me to live the life I wanted. That I had this smug view that I was in control without the help of others. Then I would explain that I was actually wrong, really wrong, and I sort of hated myself for it. The only time I was ever truly independent was in between boyfriends last year when I actually got my very own apartment and relied completely on myself. Then even that had to end as I fell under financially. Then I try to blame my pay, I wasn't making nearly enough to support myself all on my own, no matter how much I wanted to. However, then I'd go on to explain that I had no one else to blame but myself for not having a degree and all. Stuck with mediocre jobs that ultimately lead to......nothing.

Next I wanted to explain how I discovered photography. That amazing world it opened for me, how I had instant gratification from the simple snap of the camera. How I loved it so much I wanted to call it a career move. I even went so far as following a wedding photographer, getting Photoshop, reading everything I could about the camera and even working at a camera shop to learn from the experts. Then I'd say I became afraid. Afraid of the responsibility, of not being good enough, of being shut down. Afraid of ruining someone's special day and ultimately ruining my name.

After that I'd tell you that maybe I was afraid of success itself. I've never really been successful, at least not in leaps and bounds that seem to matter. Not in the ways that will allow me to support myself all on my own, even though I pay all my own bills, own my own car, have a retirement plan. Not successful in the way that people I know that are my age have graduated from college and are well on their way to career greatness.

Then I would remind you that I blame myself completely for all of this and wonder
now that I know where do I go from here?

But then when I got to writing that blog I remembered all the things I have gotten through thus far. How the small steps in my career are guiding me to what I want to do in life, eventually. That it's ok to need and accept help as long as you return the favor. That when I photograph everything goes to the wayside and life is great. That the pictures I take are good, at least according to clients. That if I try hard enough and ditch all the weight that will only bring me down I will accomplish my goals and be that successful person I see. I was reminded in the simple hug from a loved one that I have no room for complaints and only room to grow.

So maybe some other time I can tell you all the bad things that swim through my mind, but today, today I'll celebrate instead.

Love

Is this what love that lasts a lifetime looks like? I think so.

Nerves

I am working them up for my next blog post. I've been mulling this thought around in my head and I'm not sure how to articulate it, how to explain it in it's truest form.

I must say though, what a great time to be an American. Our economy may be in the dumps, people may be losing jobs left and right, companies may be falling under but the first African American is our president and he brings progressive ideas to the table. Americans are getting back to the basics and helping each other out.

It's going to be rough but it is going to benefit us in the long run.

Snow!

The first and probably last snowfall of the year! It's already starting to melt!

Waiting

The worst part in all of this transformation is the waiting period that we have to go through to get from one stage to the next. We've done all we can at the moment to prepare ourselves for this upcoming moment of immense change and now we wait. It's not like this is the first time I've been through something like this. Change is rarely instantaneous and if it is often times it is unwanted.

I've stayed fairly sane waiting for the next moment to open up so I can take the next tiny step forward making our move easier but I think the Man is having a harder time at it. He has to swallow a huge pill right now and I can understand the brick wall that you sometimes slam into when morphing to your next step, he just needs to realize there is a glass door he can open, first he has to let go of the past. Release the things that are no longer serving him for betterment to move forward.

This will be about the fifth time I've done that. I feel like a professional mover on-er. (Whatever, that word works and you know it)

So now that we decided to move to this other place, up north in the cold to this amazing condo we get a message from his other job offer begging him to come work for them. Asking him what they can do to get him. He sent in a figure and we are waiting on the response. If they give the green light, which I seriously doubt, we will AGAIN be looking for a place on the coast. At least we will have direction.

So who knows what the future will hold for us all I know is I will be happy with (or make the best of) whatever does happen. You have to view obstacles as opportunity and not a death sentence.

Here's to tomorrow!

Welcome to the Jungle

I took this photo at Hilton Head, SC. It's a pretty place but that's about it.

My First Kiss

I guess I'll let the world know what an utter silly face I am as it seems that's what a lot of bloggers are doing recently.

I was 16 and had my first real boyfriend. He wore pants the size of tree trunks and spent his free time playing EverQuest. He kept his hair short with tons of gel to keep it spikey and he was so dreamy to me. I can even remember how he asked me out. It was in English class and my three good friends (including him) all sat together. The other guy friend and girl were dating already so it seemed like a natural fit that we should too. He passed a folded note asking me to be his girlfriend, and at the time I thought it was the most romantic thing ever.

One day we were walking home together after class holding hands and making love eyes at eachother while our other friend trailed behind. It was such a small community that we all lived within streets of eachother and got the pleasure of walking to school and back everyday. Yeah, I was conserving gas early on. Go me.

Anyway we got to the area where we had to split and go our own ways home. We stood in the middle of the street while our friend wandered aimlessly trying not to bother us. I knew it was coming and my heart was beating so hard, I hadn't practiced as I was too busy chasing after toads, rollerblading down the street, or trying to jump ramps with my bike to know how to kiss a boy!

It happened so quickly and it was awful, terrible. He went in first and I followed ultimately leading to our noses bumping really hard. The kiss was more like a peck and I immediately grabbed my nose as we pulled away. I quickly put my hand down to not seem like a goob and acted like it never happened. We said goodbye and I quickly caught up with my friend. I think he saw cause we didn't mention it the whole way home.

Some first kiss, one for the record books I tell ya. Luckily I quickly learned the "tilt" and have saved many a nose from my knocking schlonker.

The Best Part of SNL Tonight

Was the interruption by the local news channel letting us know freezing rain is causing wrecks all over the place and two major highways have been shut down. No, the show isn't over yet. ha

I Need A Prayer

For the Lover's stepfather. He is very sick with an unknown disease and is stuck in the hospital. Please give him a little more fight.

Thank you very much.

Under-what??

Sometimes I find things on the internet that stop me right in my tracks, this is one of them if only for the title alone.

Check it here.

That's right, it says "Rainbows Shooting from a Mystical Clam" Well hot dog, your use of descriptive words make me want to wear those.....clam panties that shoot rainbows.

Expired Peanut Oil

Bad? No idea but here goes nothing!

Can't Sleep!

"Lids down, I count sheep
I count heartbeats
The only thing that counts is
that I won't sleep
I countdown, I look around

Who needs sleep?
well you're never gonna get it
Who needs sleep?
tell me what's that for
Who needs sleep?
be happy with what you're getting
There's a guy who's been awake
since the Second World War"

Everytime I go through a bout of insomnia that song pops up in my head and somehow makes it alright. I can't sleep now even though I'm running on 4 hours of sleep the last 48 hours of my life. If you know anything about me you know I am sleeper. It takes at least 10 hours to completely recharge my battery or I'm just a drooling idiot full of babbling (ONLY when I'm sleepy, nice try punk!(sister or brother))! Right now I get to toss around thinking of how we are going to decorate our new home, if everything goes according to plan. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE.

Now that I'm done typing I have to find something else to do......phooey.

Are We Predetermined?

Fate? Is it real, like really real? Is our story already written and all we're doing is playing the role? Do we sometimes forget our lines, miss a scene, have flashbacks, trip over scenery, and sing about something important?

Are we strings on a guitar? Plucked and tuned until the right note vibrates so brilliantly? Are we a smaller part of the whole song? A series of notes that make up the whole?

Do we really lack that control?

I'd like to think half and half. Being proud of my strong independent woman mantra I want to believe that I can think for myself and make the right decisions from time to time. I want to believe that I can choose my destiny, the wobbly path that leads to my demise. The other part of me wants to think fate puts me back on track when I stray like a lost puppy from the pack. I think that when I get a little too rebellious fate scoops me up by the scruff of the neck and rolls me back onto the assembly line pointed to the "Right Way".

It's scary to think we are pawns in a big chess game with little room to find our niche but I also hope that life's little lessons ultimately lead us to the place we're meant to be, the puzzle piece that fits our personality, experiences, and learnings. I'd rather be the one deciding the next chess move but I don't mind at all if a little "feeling" wants to knock on my head with some advice. Is the contradictory?

Oh well.

May I also add that I believe in ghosts? Only because I saw one at my last place of work. It was a puppy dog. One had died there right before I was hired on (I was the replacement for the negligent kennel rep.) and out of the corner of my eye I'd see a black four legged furry friend running around the place. After I made mention of it I never saw it again though I know it was having fun in the play yards when we weren't looking.

Maybe I'm delusional.

Maybe I'm okay with that.

One of My Favorite Songs

"Forget It"

It's a crime you let it happen to me
Nevermind, I'll let it happen to you
Out of mind, forget it there's nothing to lose
But my mind and all the things I wanted

Everytime I get it I throw it away
It's a sign, I get it, I wanna stay
By the time I lose it I'm not afraid
I'm alive but I can Surely fake it

How can I believe when this cloud hangs over me
You're the part of me that I don't wanna see

Forget it

There's a place I see you follow me
Just a taste of all that might come to be
I'm alone but holding breath you can breathe
To question every answer counted

Just fade away
Please let me stay
Caught in your way

Forget it

Just fade away
Please let me stay
Caught in your way

It's a crime you let it happen to me
Out of mind, I love it, easy to please
Nevermind, forget it, just memories
On a page inside a spiral notebook

Just fade away
Please let me stay
Caught in your way
I can live forever here

Forget it

How can I believe when this cloud hangs over me
You're a part of me that I don't wanna see

I can live forever here

-Love the lyrics and the song itself. By Breaking Benjamin, give it a listen, especially the part in italics

Fish Face

I think the left little booger is feeling the effects of a poor economy.

He's like :(


lollers

Wait, What?

I am so confused. I have no idea what's going on, what is going to happen, whatever. One minute the sky is the limit, the next we have no idea how we can get to this place we love so much. It's all about the money, money, money and I'm sick of it. If we had money we wouldn't be in this predicament anyways but it takes money to get money. If that makes sense. All I know is my insides are all gobbldeegook and one minute I'm flying around and the next I just want to curl up under the covers and wait or the tide to be over.

What will happen these next few weeks I have no idea and I'm beginning to think that I will believe it when I see it, whatever "it" is.

Has this post left you as confused as I am?

ugh

I Love A Man With Big Ears

So humble, so cute.

Obama's Limo

Pretty bad ass if you ask me. Click the image to see it larger.

So Nervous, Scared, Excited

He got a job. Well, almost. He has to go back on Monday to make it official, but it won't be an interview, it will be dinner. On them. With me invited. He gets to call his salary.

Can this be true?

And you know what, we got back in town today and I didn't want to make dinner so I stopped at Wendy's (diet to come later, so hush) and saw a car in front of me with a sticker on it. You want to know what is said? It had the name of the place. This is not a common place (I don't think). I've never seen any stickers before. A sign?

I'll take it.

We are being reasonable, we had a place with the most amazing view offered. We declined. We are being sensible with our money. Making the right choices. We're so nervous, worried. So much to do between now and then.

I want to scream about it from the top of my lungs but I'm afraid to even say a peep. Not until it's etched in stone.

Oh God, this could really be happening.

Drop This Bad Habit

Are you still looking for a New Year's Resolution? if so, I have the perfect one for you, stop drinking bottled water. Here's why;

-American tap water is among the safest in the world.

-As much as 40% of the bottled water sold in the U.S. is just filtered tap water anyway. Be sure to check the label and look for “from a municipal source” or “community water system”, which just means it is tap water.

-By drinking tap water, you can avoid the fertilizer, pharmaceuticals, disinfectants, and other chemicals that studies have found in bottled water.

-Tap water costs about $0.002 per gallon compared to the $0.89 to $8.26 per gallon charge for bottled water. If the water we use at home cost what even cheap bottled water costs, our monthly water bills would run $9,000.

-88% of empty plastic water bottles in the United States are not recycled. The Container Recycling Institute says that plastic water bottles are disposed of (not recycled) at the rate of 30 million a day.

-Plastic bottles can leach chemicals into the water if left in the sun, heated up, or reused several times.

-Production of the plastic (PET or polyethylene) bottles to meet our demand for bottled water takes the equivalent of about 17.6 million barrels of oil (not including transportation costs). That equals the amount of oil required to fuel more than one million vehicles in the U.S. each year. Around the world, bottling water uses about 2.7 million tons of plastic…each year.

-Bottled water companies mislead communities into giving away their public water in exchange for dangerous jobs.

-It can take nearly 7 times the amount of water in the bottle to actually make the bottle itself.

-On a weekly basis, 37,800 18-wheelers are driving around the country delivering water.

-The EPA sets much more stringent quality standards for tap water than the FDA does for the bottled stuff.

-One out of 6 people in the world does not have safe drinking water, and about 3,000 children a day die from diseases caught from bad water…that we know of. This while Americans spend about $16 billion a year on bottled water.

Convinced yet?  Do like we do, get a nice, cute reusable plastic bottle and a brita filter either on your faucet or a jug in the fridge.  Love it, so tasty!

Links to these facts can be found here.

Charleston, South Carolina

You are here. Well not you, but me. I am here, we are here. In gorgeous Charleston, South Carolina. We started in Hilton Head then moved to Beaufort an up to this place. I think it's my favorite.

Why are we here in our current state? Scoping the area for jobs. For peace of mind. To get away from the stress.

The other morning I woke up same as always, going through my ritual of checking my email, craigslist, careerbuilder....for something, anything. There's nothing. Not in Knoxville. Just lay off after lay off after lay off. We were getting depressed.

Anyway, Justin comes into the room as I let the bad news settle in and says "Be ready by 2pm, I'm getting out of here."

So there we were, the gruesome threesome. (Yes the little pooch came too.) We packed up some clothes and headed East.

We got to Hilton Head Island after dark, scrambled for a pet friendly place. (btw I recommend knowing this before leaving in haste instead of trying to steal wifi on your iPod touch in a dark parking lot.) We found this awesome resort but the non-refundable pet fee cost more than the room! So we made it to some hole in the wall, watched Saw V (it sucked, don't bother) and slept like two lumps on a log.

The next day (today) we woke up cranky (okay only I did) and made our way to the southern most part to see the lighthouse and boats. (Yes, I took a buttload of pictures) We ate breakfast at the first restaurant we saw and it sucked. The place was beautiful but not as pretty as Fripp Island. The actual beach was windy, even the birds were ducking! Oh we even grabbed a newspaper and it had three job openings, a hair dresser, a trash person, and something else as lame. Greeeeat. So feeling a bit discouraged we left the island or Beaufort hoping for anything!

I guess I thought Charleston was Beaufort so when we drove through the laughable downtown I was left scratching my head. What? Seriously? I mentioned this to the boyfriend and he plugged Charleston into the GPS (phone).

We finally got in Charleston around 5pm and the heaven's began to sing. This is a city! Gorgeous downtown, artsy people running around, boats everywhere in the water! The beach in a short drive, palm trees! Oh yes, this is the place for me. We found a pet friendly hotel and hit the restaurant nearby for some good food, good wine, and good six layered chocolate cake (OMG). Life is good here, I can feel it. Good things can happen here (I hope!) and though there may not be the best job right here right now we at least know where to look (career fair online yay!) and what to put our sights on.

Tomorrow's adventure should be sweet!

New Painting!

So I just completed a new painting for my Etsy shop. I am trying to get into the habit of letting paint dry before I work on it again. I usually paint something all at once and that doesn't work in my favor all the time.

So if you like it you can add it to your home for the low, low price of....well heh you check it out!

Looking Towards the Future

So it seems there might be some very big changes in the near future, changes for the better. I am keeping my fingers crossed even as my heart beats out of my chest. I want this so bad, it's just about putting all the puzzle pieces together.

Keep your fingers crossed for me!!!