Thursday, January 22, 2009

Fear of Success

I had this blog post all written out in my mind. How I would explain that I've always thought I was an independent woman, how my strong values and stubbornness led me to live the life I wanted. That I had this smug view that I was in control without the help of others. Then I would explain that I was actually wrong, really wrong, and I sort of hated myself for it. The only time I was ever truly independent was in between boyfriends last year when I actually got my very own apartment and relied completely on myself. Then even that had to end as I fell under financially. Then I try to blame my pay, I wasn't making nearly enough to support myself all on my own, no matter how much I wanted to. However, then I'd go on to explain that I had no one else to blame but myself for not having a degree and all. Stuck with mediocre jobs that ultimately lead to......nothing.

Next I wanted to explain how I discovered photography. That amazing world it opened for me, how I had instant gratification from the simple snap of the camera. How I loved it so much I wanted to call it a career move. I even went so far as following a wedding photographer, getting Photoshop, reading everything I could about the camera and even working at a camera shop to learn from the experts. Then I'd say I became afraid. Afraid of the responsibility, of not being good enough, of being shut down. Afraid of ruining someone's special day and ultimately ruining my name.

After that I'd tell you that maybe I was afraid of success itself. I've never really been successful, at least not in leaps and bounds that seem to matter. Not in the ways that will allow me to support myself all on my own, even though I pay all my own bills, own my own car, have a retirement plan. Not successful in the way that people I know that are my age have graduated from college and are well on their way to career greatness.

Then I would remind you that I blame myself completely for all of this and wonder
now that I know where do I go from here?

But then when I got to writing that blog I remembered all the things I have gotten through thus far. How the small steps in my career are guiding me to what I want to do in life, eventually. That it's ok to need and accept help as long as you return the favor. That when I photograph everything goes to the wayside and life is great. That the pictures I take are good, at least according to clients. That if I try hard enough and ditch all the weight that will only bring me down I will accomplish my goals and be that successful person I see. I was reminded in the simple hug from a loved one that I have no room for complaints and only room to grow.

So maybe some other time I can tell you all the bad things that swim through my mind, but today, today I'll celebrate instead.


Erin said...

It's always a good idea to celebrate from time to time! :)

The Panic Room said...

this was great to read this. if you think like this at 24 you're going to be so amazing by the time you're my age if you keep shooting. Good luck.

Kern said...

Yes, Erin, that is true!

Thanks Panic Room, those are nice words. I appreciate it! :)