Tuesday, January 27, 2009

A Decade Ago

I was a bright eyed toothy grinning gal with a lot on her plate. Naive on the outside but facing a twirling storm on the inside. Already seeing too much of the harsh world this little girl would make up for it in her goofiness, in her refusal to acknowledge pain. She would already be harvesting her knack for bouncing back, to roll with the punches and continue moving forward. Her brain was always ticking away at life's occurrences and daydreaming about a peaceful future.

I think her favorite band at the time was Savage Garden. Oh how she would put this cd into her boombox, lay on the floor, and daydream about lands far away and lives other than hers. Though to the outside world she seemed so vague and barely grasping on to reality she was too busy with her insides to pay attention.

Extroverted personality with introverted thoughts. When I think back at that time what I mainly remember is how busy my brain was just trying to come up with answers, trying to guess everyone's next step like in a chess game while everyone around me thought I wasn't so smart. I think I just let the clouds in the sky get into my head.

It wasn't that I didn't learn anything, that I failed my classes, or was generally what one would call stupid, it was just that I was spending so much time elsewhere. Trying to get away some how. And it wasn't until just recently that I figured it out after all this time of wondering why they thought I was negligent of my schoolwork, that my priorities were all in the dumps, and lacked responsibility it was really just the screen of a glassy eyed child making due with her surroundings.

If I had to repeat my childhood I wouldn't, you couldn't pay me enough. If you told me the 24 year old girl could give advice to that lost and wandering child I'd probably say a few things.

One would be to keep the adventure alive. To continue to hope that tomorrow will be better and maybe not spend so much time focused on that. I would tell her to speak her mind and not repeat automated answers she is so used to. I'd also let her know not to trust her ex-stepmother, she would use your words against you in the worst way and would ultimately get you into the worst trouble you've ever been in. Stay as far, far away from her as you can.

I'd commend her for her strength to keep pushing through and the beauty she continued to see in her little brown eyes. I'd tell her to nurture herself as much as she did her sister. I'd want her to focus in on her arts, to never ever let that dream go. Maybe she could take that photography elective in high school and get started down that road.

I'd tell her that, yes, a very resounding yes, life does get better and the bruises heal and the words fade. I would let her know that I love her very much for the spirit she is, for managing to giggle through all the things this little child had to go through, and for her little heart swelling with love and curiosity for the future.

Then I'd give her a great big hug.


Samantha Grace said...

This was really beautiful. I often wish that we could give our younger selves a nudge or at least some encouraging words.

Vern said...

Here's a big hug for you, and again, and again. That little girl has REALLY grown up to be a super special person!!